More emoing...

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel so anxious and so depressed and just so tired... I really just want to curl up in a quiet, private place and cry.  I shouldn't be feeling this.  I mean, I took an anti-anxiety pill over an hour ago... probably an hour and a half now that I think about it.

It's just that it's Easter.  I should be on break now.  Not last month when nothing important was going on.  I'm not spiritual or anything, but Easter's kind of a huge family get together and I really should be enjoying myself.  I shouldn't be cooped up in my Uncle's room with my history book that I can't even concentrate enough on to get through the chapter I need to read for tomorrow's quiz.  I could probably just wiki WWII and it would be easier for me to get through than that chapter.  The fact that there's a hockey game going on in the next room and all the noise is floating up from downstairs IS NOT HELPING!!!!!

I'm just having so much trouble being around people right now.  My aunt Barbara's basically dying and it's really difficult for me to be around people who are dying.  I just can't do it.

I can't be around my sister (who I love dearly) because she's always around my dad and stepmom (who aren't at the top of my favorite people list).  They're spoiling her rotten.  I can see it happening every time I see them.  I want to say something SO badly, but I can't bring myself to say anything to my dad.  Our relationship isn't exactly the best.  He barely talks to me anymore.  He doesn't pay for Bobby's child support even though mom could really use the extra money.  But he can afford horse back riding lessons for Grace (my sister), and ballet, and something about $600 a month for pre-k, and huge parties at his house for basically any occasion, and cakes that start at $250 for those parties (that aren't even all that friggin great).  But can he spare some money for, say, my college tuition?  Of course not.  Mom's paying for it all and she really shouldn't be.

Almost every day she talks about how we have no money and I can't help but feel responsible because when I was going to high school and when I took that year off, we didn't have the problem as badly as we do now.  She says it's not my fault, but I know it is.  It doesn't help that there would be no way in hell I could get a job while in school.  I have trouble enough just managing school sometimes.  I swear, next semester, I'm only going part time.

I mean, I have the outline of my paper on Robespierre to do, which I've barely started researching (and I'm finding all the same vague information about his childhood and I need specifics) which I have no idea how to do.  I know what I'm supposed to do for this blasted paper, I just don't know /how/ to do it.  Then I have that chapter to read for tomorrow.  I have a blog that's due for Women's Studies at 8 tonight and I have no idea what the hell to write it on.  There's my honey badger myth paper I have to finish writing the draft for, and I somehow have to figure out how I'm going to fit all those "books" into a 5 minute presentation.  I have to read both books of Samuel, which I just cannot do.  Reading the Bible for me is like watching ice melt inside a storage freezer.  Impossibly boring.  The classical part of the class was awesome!  Why is the Bible not as awesome as everyone friggin says it is???  Where's all the carnage and fire and brimstone and destruction???  And I have a two page paper to do for that class, but I'm not really worried about that since it's not due until thursday... and it's TWO PAGES.  What I am worried about, though, is we apparently have to do a term paper for that class that wasn't even in the fucking syllabus and I have no idea what it's going to be on or how long it's supposed to be.  AND we have a final for that class, which is basically just like writing a god damned term paper.  Seriously, I had writer's cramp for the rest of the day after taking the midterm.

And Shauna has been silent all day.  Not one single text.  The first time I texted her was, like, 7 this morning and I've tried several times since then, but fucking nothing.  I don't know what's wrong and I'm so worried it's making it really difficult to function.  WHY THE HELL ISN'T MY ANXIETY PILL WORKING??????

Lately I've just felt like this pathetic, hopelessly deluded fan girl too.  I want to meet him SO badly, and I want to be a part of his life more than anything, but I don't know how I'm going to do that if I can't even get a job so I can have money to go meet him in Germany.  I'm debating just going back on myspace and trying to contact him that way, because I think he still uses that.  I'm also going to try sending him a letter.  I have it all ready to mail and everything, I just need one of those flat rate shipping envelopes from the post office.  I would have sent it yesterday, but they closed before I could get there.

I know this sounds creepy and pathetic and just plain sadly gag worthy, but I really do love him.  Despite the slight language barrier and age difference, he's totally swept me off my feet and I really do truly love him.  I know my chances of actually even becoming casual acquaintances are so incredibly slim, but I just want him in my life so badly.  He seems like such an amazing man and I need someone like that in my life right now.  Or just in my life in general.

God I sound emo and pathetic...

Emoness

So I was on facebook today and I found out that my ex (whom I despise for reasons I don't want to get into) is friends with someone who I used to be very close to in high school.  I still feel like we could be close friends (it's facebook.  I'm not so petty as to pull some "if you're friends with them you can't be friends with me" crap), but she doesn't exactly talk to me anymore.  I mean, I comment on her ish all the time, but that's the only time we talk... is when I talk to her.  In fact, it works that way with a lot of my "friends."

Ever since Greg started hating me and I found out he was hanging with Kenny (the ex), I've been terrified that all they've been doing is talking down about me and turning my used to be friends against me.  So far, I have found no evidence to the contrary.  I mean, Kacz stopped talking to me completely for fuck's sake.  I had always thought we were good friends...

I just feel so alienated.  It's really difficult for me to make friends outside of a con or a classroom, and college isn't big on group work.  Which, honestly, part of me is really thankful for because I hate working in groups.  But at the same time, I'm starting to realize that the only reason I became friends with those people in high school was because I was forced to work with them.  Back to the point though...

I feel so completely isolated from my peers at school.  The majority of the people I hear and meet in class hate the classes I love and would rather not be there.  There are some exceptions, but I'm pretty sure they'll be leaving for main campus after this semester. 

I just feel like I have nothing in common with the majority of my peers.  They all already have their social groups formed from high school.  They all watch stupid reality television shows like the Jersey Shore and whatever stupid thing MTV's dishing out.  I prefer to watch specials on the history channel and Criminal Minds, along with some anime.

Most of them talk about going out and partying and getting drunk where as I would prefer to just get a small bunch of people together and watch a movie or something.  I don't have any interest in going to frat or sorority parties or anything like that.

I know this sounds like a lot of "no one understands me" emo teenage angst, but it's not.  I know there are people out there who get me and who I would be great friends with... I just don't think they live in this area.  Hell, I don't think they live in this country.

That's the other thing.  I feel so out of touch with most of America.  Extreme liberals, conservatives, republicans, democrats, jesus freaks, and atheists.  I know that the media only shows extremes because that's what sells, but I personally know quite a number of extremists and I have to say, I'm sick of living here.  I understand that there will be extremists no matter where I move, but it's the disconnection from the rest of the world that I really can't take.  I need to move to Europe badly.  Everything seems so connected there.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just being naive, but I genuinely feel like I would connect with more people over there.  I don't know...

All I know is, I'm so tired of feeling so isolated from everyone else.

I feel like a blob...

I haven't been going to school over a not quite so serious GI bug and I just feel like a complete waste of space because of it.  Yeah, I probably could have gone to classes today, but meh...

That's what's weird about college too.  School is called "classes" and teachers become "professors."  You also go by semester instead of year, which I've never done before, so it's really strange to me.  As if my sense of time wasn't screwed up enough...

I wonder if there's a disorder that goes along with not being able to remember times of your memories accurately... Like, I can't remember if I got my period on Sunday or Monday.  I know I got it, I just... can't remember when.